Speech

I got back the score for my speech. She rated us in eight areas with a score of 1-5, 1 being the lowest and 5 being the highest. I got a 1 in all areas but "Appropriate Language" and "Vocal Presentation," where I got 2s. Apparently, the reason I got a 2 instead of a 5 in "Appropriate Language" was because I used the word "you," and in "Vocal Presentation" because I "talked a bit quickly at times." In "nonverbal support of presentation," I got a 1 because I was holding my note cards. I didn't really expect to get any 5s at all, or even 4s, but is it really fair to give someone a failing grade for holding their note cards? It's not like they were in front of my nose or anything. I had my hands resting on the lectern, holding the cards. Yes, I should get marked down, but a 1? That leaves no room for her to mark me down even more for giving the entire speech wearing a hula skirt while standing on my head and playing the accordion with my feet. Silly teacher, not thinking ahead.

Oh, she says we'll also get marked down if we have a sore throat or a cold, get up to give a speech, and apologize for coughing or being hoarse "because it's enormously distracting and if you mention it, we won't be able to focus on anything else." Also, we get marked down (from a 5 to a 1... gay...) for using the word "you" because it's informal. Lies! The word "you" is, in fact, commonly used to mean "people in general." It's a perfectly legitimate generic word! It doesn't mean you're stooping so low as to actually talk to your audience (heaven forbid). Of course, the word "he" is also a general pronoun to refer to a person of unknown gender, but we'd get marked down for using that too.

People are so retarded.

Also, we're not allowed to be excited about our topic because it's distracting. We're not allowed to be bored with our topic either, obviously. We're not allowed to make hand gestures. We're not allowed to touch the lectern. We have to have note cards, but we're not allowed to touch them either. We're not allowed to smile excessively. We have to organize our speech the way the teacher tells us to. (I loathe this, and I will rant about it if you ever get me started--she requires "Introduction: I will talk about A, B, and C. Body: Point A blah blah blah, Point B blah blah blah, Point C blah blah blah. Conclusion: I just talked about A, B, and C." If I ever become an English teacher, I will rant about that the first day of classes and mark down any paper obviously organized like that by a whole letter grade.)

So now I have to rewrite and present a formal speech on the Cookie Monster. A speech in which, if I must refer to the audience, I must use the formal "one" instead of "you." For example, "If one were to commence research on the dietary habits of Sesame Street's popular secondary character Sid Alistair, alias Cookie Monster, it would be beneficial for one to first determine his or her locative time zone. He or she would then compare his time zone to that which ABC's television channel is based in to determine the approximate time one would have to prepare his or her television set for viewing, as he or she would require the use of a television and a cable connection to view the television show on which the Cookie Monster appears. Upon clearing his or her schedule at that time and preparing the television, it would then be necessary for one to locate the channel upon which Sesame Street would be aired. If one were located in Fairbanks, for example, one would simply turn on his or her television set at three in the afternoon to channel forty-six." Blah blah blah. Oh, and I'm supposed to tell the audience why it's relevant to them.

...It's not. It's the freaking Cookie Monster.

I hate being formal. Everything in my nature screams against formality. I once had to write a talk for church when I was about fifteen years old. I ended up doing something more like a stand-up comedy act. The bishop never asked me to give a talk again.

Okay. I feel better now. Thank you for bearing with me while I whine.