Prince Balcony and the Gateway to Doom

Once upon a time, there was a boy unfortunate enough to be named Butt Ugly. He didn't have cruel parents, exactly. He'd never actually met his parents. He grew up in an orphanage, except for the few brief weeks when someone had adopted him. A man named Sneet McSnickerson had adopted him, legally changed the boy's name to Butt Ugly, then staged his own death to have Butt put up for adoption again.

As you can imagine, Butt Ugly got picked on in school all the time. Kids threw rocks at him, but they didn't call him names, at least. Kids don't really have to call you names when your own name is as insulting as anything else they can come up with.

Finally, when Butt Ugly turned eighteen, he snapped. There were children drawing mean pictures of him in crayons, and Butt Ugly picked up some nearby frogs and threw them at the children, hitting them in the forehead. He screamed and ran all the way down to the nearest courthouse, which was nineteen miles away, and then, after catching his breath and having a drink of water, he legally changed his name right then and there.

He came back proudly sporting a name tag that announced "Hello. My name is Balcony."

"...Balcony? What sort of idiot name is Balcony?" asked Edgar.

"Shut up. It's a brilliant name!" retorted Balcony. "I've always wanted to be named Balcony."

"...Why?"

"Because... because balconies are cool things! Like... you can stand on them and stuff..."

Just then, a newsboy ran in the front door of the orphanage and shouted, "THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!"

Balcony and Edgar gave each other looks. "We have a princess?"

"News to me."

"Uh, yeah!" said the newsboy. "That's what I get paid for!" Then he stole a quarter from each of them and ran off, now shouting about the price of used toilet paper.

Balcony struck a heroic pose. "Don't worry! I'll save Princess Whatshername!"

Edgar stared at him. "Why are you holding your arm up in the air like that?"

"Well... it looks better if I'm holding a sword, I guess."

"If you say so. Here, want my tennis racket?"

"Yeah, that'll work." Balcony took the tennis racket and posed again. "Don't worry! I'll save the princess!" Then he rode his bike to the supermarket, wondering why he hadn't taken the bike to the courthouse. It would have made the trip so much easier, he reflected.

Balcony stopped a skinny old man with a staff who was walking through the parking lot. "Excuse me, sir, I'm Butt Ugly, and I was wondering if you kidnapped a princess recently."

The man hit Balcony with the staff and continued on to his car.

"Ow!" Balcony yelped. "Oh yeah, wait a second. Wait!" Balcony chased after the man. "Wait, sir, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'm not Butt Ugly anymore. I'm Balcony. And I wasn't kidding about the princess. It's always skinny old men with staves-- ow!!" The man hit Balcony again with the staff, got into his car, and drove over the boy's foot before rocketing away. Through the sky.

"Well, I guess that settles it. I've found the culprit!" Balcony rode his bike after the flying car. But he was so busy watching the flying car that he didn't watch where he was going and he ran into a barbed wire fence.

"Owowowowow!" yelped Balcony. He lost several precious minutes disentangling himself from the barbed wire, and when he looked up again, the car was gone. But there was a girl standing over him. She had short brown hair, freckles, glasses, and braces with neon green rubber bands. Also, she was wearing a kilt with ballet slippers and a t-shirt.

"What sort of name is Balcony?" she asked. "Oh, and are you okay?"

"I'll need a few Band-aids, but I think I'm okay. How did you know my name?" he asked, intrigued.

"You're wearing a nametag," she pointed out.

Balcony blushed. "Oh. Yeah. Well, hi! I'm Balcony! What's your name?"

"I'm Princess," she said. "See, my mom wanted a daughter and my dad wanted a beagle, so they--"

"A-HA!!!" yelled Balcony. "I've found you at last!! It was a long, tiring, painful, and arduous journey! But I will save you!!!" and he picked Princess up and carried her all the way to Cinderella's Castle in Disney World, where Mickey Mouse immediately pronounced them both insane. I mean, man and wife. Even though they were way too young and both clinically insane, especially Balcony.

THE END!

(This is why you should never write a story when you're tired.)