Bob

"Well, I suppose I could get Bob to come help... but only if it's an emergency. I took him off my Friends List ages ago."

"Oh really? Why's that?"

"Our friendship went down the drain."

"How'd that happen?"

"It's a long story... involving... ninjas... cottage cheese... and aliens."

"Sounds fascinating. Do tell!"

"Um... 'long story' means I don't really want to tell you."

"Yeah, but I want to hear anyway."

"Well... um... you see... what happened was... ahem... Bob and I were both enrolled at the same ninja training school. I was working on my... um... octavian belt.... That's the one that's way past black. It's the eighth color of the rainbow, you know. Wait... red orange yellow green blue indigo violet... that's seven.... Yeah, octavian is the eighth color of the rainbow. Ahem.

"Anyway, I was working on my octavian belt, and Bob was going for his... white belt. He was a bit lower rank than me. Well, okay, he was a way lower rank than me. Wimp. So I was teaching him a new technique that day... called... the Pansy Technique. It's where you act like a wimp to surprise your opponent when you suddenly let loose with a powerful punch to their jaw that keels them ded. Bob wasn't having any trouble with the 'act like a wimp' part. It was the 'don't actually be a wimp' part that he was having trouble with.

"As we were working on it, suddenly the aliens came, brandishing pickles that were actually laser guns, but they still looked like pickles. They demanded that we give them eighty-eight kleptotrons. Well, personally, I thought it was weird that they spoke English, but also, what the heck is a kleptotron? You'd think it was money or something, but no, apparently a kleptotron is like a robot thief. I guess that would make sense. If you have a robot thief, you don't need money because robot thieves can get you all the money you need. So it's even better than money.

"To make a long story a bit shorter, the space pirates had the kleptotrons on their alien pirate spaceship. Bob and I borrowed what was essentially a space rowboat to go sneak onto the alien pirate spaceship to steal kleptotrons. And by 'steal,' I mean borrow without permission and with absolutely no intention of returning or reimbursing.

"Our friendship really started to go down the drain when we snuck onto the ship. Bob had the bright idea of knocking on the door to get in. What sort of idiot knocks when they're trying to sneak?

"So the aliens threw us into a giant prison cell that was basically a big room full of cottage cheese. I hate cottage cheese. Bob was exactly no help; all he did was swim around and go 'Look what I can do!' Idiot. Well, actually, the cottage cheese was only about chest-high, so he was mostly wading, but that's not the point.

"The only way out of the cell was through a trapdoor in the ceiling. I convinced Bob to climb onto my shoulders to open the trapdoor and get us out. After he nearly broke my neck trying to climb me like a ladder, he jumped off my head, opened the trapdoor, climbed out, and disappeared. No amount of swearing would get him to drop a ladder down or anything. That's why our friendship went down the drain."

"So how did you get out?"

"I did an amazing ninja flip up through the trapdoor in the ceiling, found the rowboat, and left Bob behind to find the kleptotrons. Duh. What would you have done?"

"Well, why didn't you do that to begin with?"

"Hey, whose story is this, yours, mine, or Bob's? Sheesh!"

Oh, the conversations you can have with your other personalities when you're half-asleep....