Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I need a psychiatrist

I never would have thought I'd appreciate having a kitchen again as much as I do. I don't like cooking much, largely because I don't have much patience for it. But after living out of a microwave for the last year and a half, it's really nice to be able to cook whatever I want whenever I want. And I really do like my occasional brownies, fajitas, and various spinach experiments (today's spinach experiment turned out fairly well, but I'll probably use less milk next time).

Also, I got the editing job at the school newspaper!!! I'm super excited! I have to go fill out paperwork and stuff today, and with any luck, I'll get to actually start work this weekend. I'm super-excited! Earning money is good--maybe this means I'll be able to afford school next semester! Yay!

It's snowing again today. I like the snow. It makes me feel all warm inside. Well, okay, it's snow, so no it doesn't... but you know what I mean.

Also, eating ice cream outside with your bare hands when it's below twenty degrees is a bad idea. Don't do it. Especially for extended periods of time. (I love saying things like that. It makes people wonder if I really am dumb enough to have tried it.)

There's this game in Facebook that I enjoy playing because it only takes about five minutes a day and makes me feel powerful. It's called Nations, and basically, you make a country and resolve political issues and occasionally pick things like national colors and stuff. Yes, I do hate politics. I loathe politics. I stay as far out of politics as I possibly can because they make me angry. But when I was a teenager, I put a lot of thought into what my country would be like if I ever became the leader of one. This Nations game is helping me develop my ideas while at the same time getting it down on paper. Well... digital paper?

First of all, I would be an unquestioned dictator. Unquestioned because if anyone questioned me, I'd sacrifice them on the spot to some god I had just invented for the sole purpose of sacrificing people to him. (He would, of course, be forgotten right after the sacrificial ceremony, which would involve lots of dancing llamas and grape jelly.)

Everyone in the country would be required to take an IQ test. Anyone scoring below 100 will be ejected from the country with a ballista. Also, those smart girls who wear girly business suits and rectangular glasses with thick rims and always act like they're smarter than everyone else? Yeah, they'll be sacrificed to some other god. Actually, goddess. The goddess of You're Not God.

Neon gel pens will be banned. Especially the orange ones. Anyone caught using, possessing, promoting, selling, or otherwise distributing them will be sentenced to death by having the pens jammed up their noses until they die from it. Same goes for toe socks. Anyway caught using, possessing, promoting, selling, or otherwise distributing toe socks will be sentenced to death by toe sock strangulation. And if that doesn't work for some reason, there will also be an active volcano nearby where I will be able to find a plethora of other ways to kill them.

Schools will be free, but if you don't go to class and do your work and try to do well, you'll be kicked out and forced to work as a janitor until you're willing to learn stuff again. Garth would be the Head Janitor of all janitors in the country. Because he's the best janitorial manager I ever had, and he's smart. Opinionated and long-winded, but very smart.

Spawn will be the Psychiatrist (the only one allowed in the country), paid to listen to people whine and then tell them to suck it up. She'll be paid in comic books and bacon.

Rye's going to teach Exaggeration and Storytelling Techniques at the university.

There will be a lot of libraries, with big reading rooms with a lot of plushy bean bags and pillows. And stuffed animals. Oh yeah, and all kids born will be issued a stuffed animal when they're born. Just because. Anyway, back to the libraries, there are two kinds of librarians. There are the librarians who wear their hair in buns and specialize in glaring and shushing people. Then there are librarians who smile a lot and know the answer to every question in the world. The first kind of librarian will be required to do stand-up comedy until they lighten up. All the real librarians in the country will be the second kind.

The national game will be Minesweeper. There will even be a field version of it. Like chess. Chess will be popular too. As in, all citizens will be required to like chess. Or else.

Cars won't exist. Same as trucks. They're dirty and require a lot of maintenance. Not to mention paved roads. And gas stations. Blah. Instead, everyone will ride unicycles. Bicycles are acceptable too. And little red wagons are okay if you have to move groceries and heavy stuff. Or if you're a kid. Because every kid needs a little red wagon. (Don't worry, it will be a small country. On an island. And it will be between forty and seventy degrees there all year round.)

All TVs that make that painful high-pitched whiny noise will be banned. Any found in the country will be taken to the shooting range and used as target practice.

The national currency will be uranium toothpicks. National colors are xanadu and taupe. Oh, and the national flower would be the dandelion. I like dandelions. Three years in jail for calling them "weeds." And of course, the national animal would be the platypus. Oh wait, or maybe squirrel. Hmmm... Oh! Linty squirratypus monkey! Of course!

Music would be a required subject in schools. Band, especially. Everyone will be required to be able to play at least one musical instrument, and radio does not count. Singing doesn't either, but it's encouraged anyway.

There won't be paved roads because there won't be cars, but there will be dirt roads and bike paths and stuff, and they'll be wide enough for jugglers and various other street performers. Preaching for or against any religion will not be allowed on the streets. Actually, forget it, I'm banning all religions except for the one I would invent, which would be called the Exalted Cult of Glurb.

Oh yeah, also, the country's name right now is Tenebris (Latin for "darkness"). I was thinking of naming it Larimda when I was younger (one of my nicknames backwards). I'm still thinking on that.

The next thing for me to do in Nations is to come up with a National Anthem. Any suggestions are welcome. Winner gets to be the bad guy in the next story I write. (Old Man with a Radio in his Car gets to be the hero, I think, since he was the first one to answer the juggle question from a while back.)